Marcus and Ryan are not the closest of brothers; they talk but hardly confide in each other. Marcus, being the elder brother, had recently graduated from the National University of Singapore (NUS), where Ryan is currently a sophomore. Both brothers share a car, which was solely paid by their mother – Marcus now pays half since he is earning a salary. Marcus has always had the priority to use the car since he was in NUS and this has raised several disputes between the two brothers. After Marcus graduated, he has been driving to work while Ryan takes the train to school. At home, apart from their parents, Marcus is usually the one who hangs up the washed laundry to dry – to his displeasure, of course. After a dispute (because of the car) sometime back, both brothers came to the agreement that Ryan will hang the laundry on Wednesdays. This was how it all started again:
It was past midnight when Ryan got home. Marcus was just about to go to bed.
“I’ll need to use the car every Friday, from next week onwards,” Ryan told Marcus.
Ryan has gym sessions with the varsity athletic team every Friday evening, after an entire day of lessons from eight in the morning. Without the car, Ryan would have to lug his gym things around campus the entire day.
“No! I’m paying for half the car now so I should have priority in using it. You can use it during the weekends when I don’t need it,” Marcus exclaimed, and shut the door behind him.
“The car is meant to be shared!” retorted Ryan.
Silence.
Over dinner the following Thursday, Ryan casually reminded Marcus that he will be using the car the next day because of his weekly gym sessions.
“No,” Marcus replied, and then went on to reiterate that since he is contributing towards the car, he should have priority over Ryan. He continued, “Without the car, I’ll have to wake up and leave for work a whole half-an-hour earlier. Can’t you just take the train to school?”
Fuming at how selfish Marcus was being, Ryan tried to reason with him, but was instead met with a non-related issue – the laundry, which Marcus always brings up whenever they argue about the car.
“You haven’t been doing your part in hanging up the laundry, why should I be fair when it comes to the car?” Marcus raised his voice.
“It’s an entirely different issue here and I’m just asking to use the car ONCE A WEEK!” Ryan snapped back, before trying to explain – once again – why he has not been able to do his laundry duty on certain occasions.
The argument continued with intense verbal exchanges.
Considering that the family will not get another car (or a maid), how would you solve the dispute between the two brothers for good?
Hi, this post deserve top marks for pure entertainment.
ReplyDeleteI beg your pardon, but I was secretly chuckling at a drama commonly found on my local TV.
To begin with, I would definitely prescribe a compromise between the 2 brothers. For a way forward, Ryan needs to start doing some laundry before Marcus might before or after lend the car to Ryan. That is called the zero-sum approach, you lose something in order for me to gain something. Marcus loses the car so that Ryan gains some laundry work. Simple and straightforward.
Such a solution however don't work long-term, because then the both of them will keep finding something to lose for something to gain until they discover one day they have reached their limit and might erupt into a serious fit of fury. This might result in very destructive consequences for the family. The Arab-Israeli war is one such analogous example of zero-sum approaches taken to the limit!
Instead, I would rather prefer that Ryan and Marcus be students of humanity, gentleness, grace, lovingness, kindness, patience and understanding, which will result in them voluntarily giving up a good without expectating anything in return, or self-lessness! That is something I hope Ryan and Marcus progresses towards, but I know it takes time, from personal experiences and others' as well, and it is very hard to do. A huge sacrifice will be felt to be made on Ryan's and Marcus' part, and that is always painful on their pride and ego. In this respect, since it is unlikely both men by virtue of being men cannot effectively take the next step towards non-zero sum approaches to interpersonal problems, I suggest their mom steps in to help moderate between themselves.
Mom's love is the greatest touch and both boys will soften their stance and learn about giving expecting nothing in return. A true love!
5 cents worth!
Hi Caster,
DeleteThanks for the short explanation on zero-sum approach. In my opinion, having their mother to intervene is probably one of the best solutions to the issue. However, there is only so much a mother can do when it comes to two quarreling adults. I guess she can ultimately prevent both brothers from using the car since, technically, the car belongs to her.
Anyway, thanks for the comment!
Hoho, this is what happens in my family too. & I end up losing because girls can't drive well right.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, I think the guys need to learn how to give and take, between themselves, although I do understand how inconvenient it is to head to work without the car, or to school for that matter.
Compromising is key here. Family resources, and chores, are meant to be shared. Perhaps R could have spoken to M about it when the latter happens to be in a better/good mood. Chances of securing a positive reply would definitely be much higher. (:!
Well, personally, I don't think it's fair for M to constantly hog the car, since both brothers have their own busy schedules. So like what Caster mentioned earlier, it may be a worthwhile idea to pull mom/dad into this scenario. Well, I think both brothers are respectful enough to listen to what their parents have to say right. It's like a decree haha. You'll find it hard to disobey, being Singaporean.
Cheers!
Hi Kristyn,
DeleteI agree that compromising is key too, but so is empathy. Both brothers should put themselves in each other's shoes. Approaching someone when s/he is in a good mood is a good technique to garner a positive reply. Thanks for the comment!
Cheers,
Joel
Hi Joel:) This is a very interesting post.
ReplyDeleteWell this situation is so common. If not over the car, the dispute between siblings would be over something else would it not? Coming back to Marcus and Ryan's problem, I find that Ryan has not been fair towards Marcus because he has not been sharing the housework load with him. Therefore I feel that it is not right of Ryan to want to share the car with Marcus just because the need for it has risen all of a sudden.
If I was Ryan I would curry favour my brother so that he would consider lending me the car since I would have done my part in contributing at home.
As for Marcus, he should give in to his younger brother once in a while because it is up to the older siblings to be more tolerant of the younger ones. He can also tell his younger brother that as a compromise if he lends him the car, Ryan should do more housework since it is Marcus doing it all the time anyway:)
Hi Loshini,
DeleteThanks for your feedback! I could have been clearer by saying that car does not belong to Marcus. He is currently paying half for the monthly installment of the car as it is his duty to contribute to the family's finances since he is earning a salary (like how we would give back to our parents when we start working). I agree that both brothers should compromise.
Cheers,
Joel
This is an interesting problem scenario, Joel, one that demonstrates well the complexity of sibling relationships. You provide a clear context for the problem by describing the brothers and their respective needs. You also take us readers into the brothers' living space by providing dialogue within a couple specific encounters. The result is that we really get the "story telling" effect, being able to visualize the situation. You also initiate detailed feedback with this story. Let's see what other feedback you get from your blog group members.
ReplyDeleteThere's only one detail that is unclear to me: "Both brothers share a car, which was solely paid by their mother – Marcus now pays half since he is earning a salary."
So the car loan is still being paid off? Now Marcus pays rather than the mother? If that is the case, then perhaps he sees that he is gaining ownership, or not?
In any case, thanks for the effort!
Hi Brad,
DeleteThank you for your comment! About the detail that is unclear to you, the car loan is still being paid off, and both the mother and Marcus are now sharing the cost (i.e. half each) of the monthly installment. Previously, the mother paid the full cost of the monthly installment.
Cheers,
Joel
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Joel
ReplyDeleteAs Caster mentioned above, this is indeed an entertaining post! Though you may have taken some dramatic license in describing this scenario, I still do genuinely believe that such conflicts can arise and be a source of discomfort and pain for the brothers and the rest of their family.
In my personal opinion, I think Marcus simply feels that he should be entitled with a larger ownership of the car, because, as he pointed out, he is contributing to the expense of the car. I think he feels that his brother is free-loading off of him and their mother. However, Marcus needs to realize that his brother is still schooling and is thus unable to make such large payments. It’s not that his brother wants to leech off him and their mother. It’s simply because he does not have the monetary resources to contribute at this stage in his life.
Regarding the laundry, I think that Ryan should play his part in helping out in the household chores. He is after all a member of the family, and should not depend on his family members to do all the chores themselves. Marcus on the other hand, should not use the matter of laundry as ammo for his argument to use the car. Does that mean that if Ryan did his share of the laundry, Marcus would automatically allow him free-access to the car?
Being from a large family (4 children including myself), I can empathize with the fact that sometimes it does get a bit difficult to compromise. As the oldest of 4, I sometimes find myself compromising a teensy bit more. However I like to think of myself as a big enough person to not let my personal pride get in the way of my relationship with my siblings. I think once Marcus and Ryan both understand the importance of compromise and the ability to back down once in a while, their relationship would improve dramatically!
Thank you once again for a very interesting read, Joel!
Tanisha
Hi Joel! Haha, I can totally relate to the use of doing house chores as a trading currency in sibling relationships! Working in line with this trading practice, I would suggest to Ryan to ‘raise the stakes involved’ by offering to hang the laundry on more days in order to ‘compensate’ for Marcus’s loss of convenience on Fridays. By doing so, Ryan shows Marcus that he is aware of Marcus’s loss of convenience and is sincere about compensating for it.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I still believe in the caring nature of sibling relationships. I think once Marcus sees Ryan’s genuine efforts in reducing his inconvenience, Marcus might even consider to continue hanging the laundry.
The other suggestion is why not Ryan give Marcus a lift to work or to the nearest MRT/bus stop where Marcus can take transport to work on Fridays? The two brothers might even get more bonding time through these episodes.